


Moments

by justforirishx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Death, Depression, Eating Disorder, F/M, Memories, Sad, Self Harm, im sorryyyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 20:36:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/691186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justforirishx/pseuds/justforirishx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella is too far gone for Harry to help now<br/>If only Harry had picked up the signs sooner, he’d<br/>be able to have more time with the girl he loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moments

Harry

I was pacing the hallway of the hospital that I had been called to in the middle of the night by my girlfriend of two years and best friend since forever’s Mum. I had been back home in Holmes Chapel visiting my Mum and sister while Bella was still in London. After pretty much making my Mum speed to Manchester airport so I could catch the last flight to Heathrow, I got to London just in time.

To say Bella was sick is an understatement; I’d watched her get worse and worse in the past few years. I’d tried so hard to help her get better, giving her incentive, giving her a shoulder to cry on, being her punching bag, being there to give her hugs and kisses and just being someone that would listen and take her side no matter what. Bella had a range of issues, she had been Type 1 Diabetic from the time she was twelve and she has been battling depression, self harm and anorexia since she was fourteen. She is now eighteen and has pretty much given up fighting and to be honest I don’t blame her. I wish I could make her better, make her realise she should stay but she won’t listen to me anymore so all I can do is be there for her. 

“Harry.” Bella’s Mum said pulling me out of my trance. “You can go in and sit with Bella if you want.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Of course darl’. She’s been asking for you.” She said pulling me into a hug.

I opened the door to Bella’s hospital room and saw her lying on the bed surrounded by tubes and machines that were beeping and doing whatever process they had to do. I was stunned for a moment, fully taking in the sight before me. Sure Bella had been to hospital before but it had never been this bad. I walked up to her bed and kissed her forehead.  
“Hi Harry.” She said almost inaudibly.  
“Baby, what’s going on?” I asked, trying to hold back tears.  
“It’s my time now.”  
“But Bells, there’s so much left here for you.”  
“I can’t fight anymore Harry, I’ve run out of energy. I wish I could stick around for you, I really do. You’re the reason I hung on for so long.”  
“Just hold on for a bit longer, please. I can’t do this without you.” I said, tears now starting to fall as I played with way ward strands of Bella’s blonde hair.  
“Lie here with me Harry, sing to me.” She sighed.  
“Am I allowed to?” I asked.  
“Just do it Styles.” She smiled.  
Bella carefully moved herself over on the small hospital bed and I took my shoes off and got into the bed beside her. I kissed her cheek and snuggled beside her.  
“Any song requests beautiful?” I asked.  
“Moments.” She smiled weakly.

You could say Moments describes Bella and I’s friendship and relationship perfectly and I didn’t even write the song!

Shut the door   
Turn the light off  
I wanna be with you  
I wanna feel your love  
I wanna lay beside you  
I cannot hide this   
Even though I try  
I remember like it was yesterday, the moment that I told Bella I had feelings for her. We had been at a launch party together for the first album and we had gone back to the apartment complex where I was living with the lads and we were getting stuck into a bottle of Vodka and it slipped out when Bella and I snuggled into my large King sized bed at the end of the night. And her reply was she turned around and captured my lips with hers. I’d been hiding my feelings for her for two years too long but I was so scared I wouldn’t be good enough for her, that me travelling all the time, chasing my dreams would tear us apart.

Heart beats harder  
Time escapes me  
Trembling hands touch skin  
It makes this harder  
And the tears stream down my face

There was one moment where I could have sworn time flew past us and we had no idea. I was in London with a day between promotional meetings to myself and Bella and I had agreed to have a quiet movie day at the apartment I was sharing with Louis. Bella had just got out of treatment for her Anorexia a week earlier so we were just going to take it easy. Somehow the press had got word of her being in treatment and we had fought about it in the few phone calls we had been allowed to share. While we were watching the movies, we just stayed in each other’s embrace hardly moving for the twelve hours we were together not wanting to let each other go. After that stint in treatment I knew in the back of my mind things with Bella would go downhill and fast.

If we could only have this life for one more day  
If we could only turn back time

You know I'll be your life  
Your voice  
Your reason to be  
My love, my heart  
Is breathing for this  
Moment in time  
I'll find the words to say  
Before you leave me today

I would do absolutely anything in my power to make Bella better, Bella knows that, her Mum knows that and the lads know that. The amount of times I’ve gone into Lou’s room in the middle of the night worried about Bella while we’re on tour because she’s been harming and I haven’t been there to stop her or that she’s gone into hospital because her diabetes is acting up because she refuses to do anything about it are endless. Poor Lou bares the brunt of Bella and I’s relationship issues but I trust him like a brother and I know he would never ever breathe a word of what I tell him to the others. Since I got into the band Louis and Bella have become close as well but Louis knows I would be nothing without Bella.

Close the door  
Throw the key  
Don't wanna be reminded  
Don't wanna be seen  
Don't wanna be without you  
My judgement's clouded  
Like tonights night sky

I know Bella’s issues have always been part of who she is but there have been flashes of the old Bella that I knew before we were fourteen and adolescence ignited our issues. The old Bella would never be afraid to be in front of me with a bikini on, she would have been happy to have photos taken with me and she would have loved to have come to events with me. I honestly hate the body image issue that society creates for teenage girls. It’s because of that Bella has had issues with anorexia, she believes she’ll never be skinny enough for society to appreciate her which is so not true. I always thought Bella was beautiful, regardless of whether she was as skinny as she wanted to be. She was my Bella, and no matter what standard society set for her, she would always be so far above my standard that I didn’t deserve to have her. I remember the first time I spotted cuts from her self harming, we were mucking around at school after musical rehersals while we waited for my Mum to pick us up when we were fourteen. Her t-shirt had ridden up and I saw four bright red cuts. I wasn’t too sure how to bring it up. I hid the fact that I knew about it from her for a few weeks and then it got too much when one day I saw her being bullied by some girls at school. The bitches we went to school with were also a source of Bella’s frustrations. They would find the slightest thing to pick on her about it made me so freaking mad. It didn’t matter if it was the way her hair was tied up, something she had said on MySpace or MSN, the way she had played Netball the weekend before, something she and I had done at lunch time or the way she and I interacted. Everything she did was used against her. It made me so mad. So one day while Bella and I walked home from school, I decided we should stop and have a milkshake at the bakery I worked at or something and talk. Not something really out of the ordinary for the two of us but I knew I had to bring this up sooner or later otherwise it would eat away at me.

“Bella, I know.” I said.  
“What do you mean you know?”  
“Your cuts.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“Bella, I saw them after rehersals the other week. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable but I can’t sit by and watch you hurt yourself like this anymore. I’m your best friend.”  
“It’s fine Harry, I’m handling it.”  
“You say that but I’ve seen you sitting on your window bed in the middle of the night with your journal. The only time you write in your journal is when you can’t talk to me about it. Bella we can tell each other anything. “  
“I don’t want to tell you this. This is my battle, you don’t need to get involved.”  
“Yes I do! You’re my best friend, it’s my job to stand up for you. I hate all those things those bitches at school say about you. You don’t deserve that, you’re so much more than who they say you are. You’re beautiful, talented and my best friend.”  
“I’d love to say being your best friend solves all my problems Harry but it doesn’t anymore. We can’t just go running to each other with our problems anymore. You’re a guy I’m a girl. There are just some things we aren’t supposed to tell each other.”  
“Bullshit. Bella, the fact that we are the opposite sex means nothing in our friendship. We’ve been best friends virtually since birth. I would still tell you anything now. Here I’ll even tell you this… I’ve self harmed too. Look.” I said pulling up my school Rugby Shorts to reveal ten white scars on each thigh. I had done that one night when I was upset about a fight my Mum was having with my step dad.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“Because you think of me as this strong capable person, I need to keep up that image for you. I need to be someone you can rely on.”  
“Oh Harry.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you… but really this is my battle to fight. I love that you’re always there for me but I need to do this. It makes me feel better.”

Hands are silent  
Voice is numb  
Trying to scream out my lungs  
It makes this harder  
And the tears stream down my face

If we could only have this life for one more day  
If we could only turn back time

You know I'll be your life  
Your voice  
Your reason to be  
My love, my heart  
Is breathing for this  
Moment in time  
I'll find the words to say  
Before you leave me today

Flashing lights in my mind  
Goin' back to the time  
Playin' games in the street  
Kickin' balls with my feet  
Dancin on with my toes  
Standing close to the edge  
There's a pile of my clothes  
At the end of your bed  
As I feel myself fall,   
Make a joke of it all

The amount of afternoons Bella and I would spend in our street kicking a football to each other when we were between the ages of eight and twelve were endless or we’d be trying to learn how to play basketball with the cheap hoop I had bought with money I had won in a talent contest we spent hours outside but as we got older we moved into the TV room and spent hours on the Play Station or Xbox when we should have been doing our English or Music homework for the next day at school. I remember Bella was my first dance date when I was thirteen. It was our school’s annual First to Third Form dance and neither of us had a date because we were both too scared to ask each other because we thought it would change everything but after a lecture from my Mum about being a man and just asking Bella, I did and she agreed. It was the best night, she had a cute black and purple dress on and I had a black shirt and pants and a purple tie and managed to get my curls under control. Thankfully they weren’t as bad then as they are now. The photo our Mums took still sits on my bedside table. That was before everything started to go wrong and all the cracks and mistakes started to happen.

You know I'll be  
Your life, your voice your reason to be  
My love, my heart  
Is breathing for this  
Moment in time  
I'll find the words to say  
Before you leave me today  
You know I'll be  
Your life, your voice your reason to be  
My love, my heart  
Is breathing for this  
Moment in time  
I'll find the words to say  
Before you leave me today

As I finished the song, I looked down at Bella who had her eyes closed and there were tears streaming down her cheeks. I kissed them away and kissed her lips, and as I did that… the machines beside us began to beep.

“Shit, no Bella please!” I exclaimed, tears really escaping my eyes now.  
The nurses came running in and I quickly scrambled off the bed so they could do what they needed to do. Bella’s Mum and I waited outside anxiously, the both of us in tears but both knowing it was Bella’s time. She’d held on long enough, she’d done what she wanted to do. I knew she loved me and she knew I loved her. We had our moments together and they are moments I will never EVER forget.


End file.
